Fission and fusion. 

Merriam Webster's Dictionary defines fission as "the splitting or breaking up into parts." Nuclear fission occurs when a "large, somewhat unstable isotope (atoms with the same number of protons, but different number of neutrons) is bombarded by high-speed particles, usually neutrons." This splitting of atoms results in a lot of heat energy. Cultural fission is when an unstable community with diverse micro-cultures is bombarded with divisive forces, creating a splitting of the community.

On the other hand, fusion is defined as "a merging of separate elements into a unified whole." Nuclear fusion is "the union of atomic nuclei to form heavier nuclei, resulting in the release of enormous amounts of energy." It occurs under conditions of extreme pressure and temperature. The sun is powered by nuclear fusion. Cultural fusion would be the merging of separate micro-cultures into a single, unified community-- usually resulting from pressure, but creating enormous amounts of energy and light. 

For our project, we focused on what we'll call a "micro-culture" within what we'll call a "macro-culture." The micro-culture we studied was the LGBT community within the macro-culture of BYU. We wanted to know how members of the micro-culture fit in and interacted with the macro-culture as a whole. The reference point in time or event we chose was that of the 2016 Presidential Election. Pre-Trump, did LGBT students feel they could be open about their orientation? Did they feel accepted by their peers? What was the effect (or following reactions) of Trump being elected to office-- fission (the breaking up or division between LGBT and straight students), or fusion (a unification of all members of the macro-culture, creating an influx of positive energy)? 

Speaking in terms of nuclear power, fission is more practical because it is more easily controlled, while fusion is difficult to controll and it is very expensive to create the right conditions. Culturally speaking, we wanted to analyze which reaction to the singular event we picked the students within the BYU macro-culture were more apt to create. Human nature tends to turn to fission, or divisiveness, in times of pressure. However, fusion is more desirable. 

In analyzing the type of energy created by this occurrence and how both LGBT and straight BYU students felt about it, we chose six very different individuals that identified all over the spectrum. As we listened to what they each had to say, we came to realize that, even though they were all very unique in their viewpoints and walks of life, they all wanted the same thing-- a more unified whole. Even though all discussed certain aspects of their experiences in which fission, or a breaking apart, was the result, without exception the overarching desire of each was fusion. Each wanted more dialogue, each wanted more peace, each wanted more coming together.

AIDAN

As a transgender student recently returned from a Texas mission, Aidan shares why, though he has witnessed fission reactions at BYU, he thinks Trump being elected to the presidency could have a fusion effect between LGBT and some straight students.

I’m about as publicly out as you can be. It makes me most comfortable. I don’t like feeling like I have something to hide. At least in my case it’s somewhat apparent because I’m in the middle of transitioning. It’s not as easy to hide as being gay. That might be one reason why I’m out.

I’m really lucky in that I have great roommates and a great ward. I have a small creative writing class in which I’ve written a nonfiction essay about trans-issues, so I was out to them all and they were all very nice about it. There are the fears that you’ll get reported. There are people who’ve been reported and kicked out, so there is some reality to that, but also there’s a lot of us that are out and we’re fine. People get reported for things they unintentionally do. If I were to hug someone, or if someone knew about me and saw me at lunch with another girl… I don’t know what they would think… “This person’s going on dates!” 

My roommate that is more conservative doesn’t engage as much [in political conversations], but we’ve discussed issues before, and it’s all fine and comfortable. I’ve really only engaged with the more liberal members of my ward. 

The first day after the election there was a professor who invited students who weren’t taking it well to come get cookies in her office. We just felt the sadness together and joked about it until we felt better. There was a peaceful protest in front of the JFSB. There were some signs that said, “We love you no matter your race/gender/sexuality…” And those things are nice to see— to see people that care how the minorities feel. And there are plenty of minorities here: plenty of women, plenty of people from other parts of the world, plenty of people who feel affected by it. But I’ve seen a general coming-together, which is the best. More love… a community feel. It’s like a wake-up call to say that we have a lot of problems in America! Feminism is still a relevant thing. We still have problems. That’s one thing I’ve seen that’s awesome. 

I’ve seen some things on Facebook from people around here that seem to be hateful— that’s the thing with Trump, that somehow he’s promoted this culture of hating or misunderstanding people. Intolerance. It’s unfortunate. I hear stuff, and when you hear stuff that happens nearby it makes you shiver it your boots a bit. Who knows who thinks that way or who might do something? It makes me more uneasy if I am out at an event in Provo with friends. I hear people say awful things, like using the “f—“ slur. The fear is irrational, but it makes you nervous when people start talking like that. What I’ve personally seen is more than unifying effect. My hope is that we’ll put more love out there than they can put hate. 

I’ve heard plenty of things that are hurtful. People don’t mean it. They tend to not thing there are LGBT people on campus. They don’t think it matters what they say because they’re all like, “Why would they want to go to BYU?” But there are plenty of us here. Also in classes, especially religion classes— like allusions to destroying the family. We hear that a lot. 

CALEB

Though he desires fusion, Caleb shares his experiences of fission within the BYU macro-culture that lead him to search for a different community.

I’m from Rexburg, ID, and it’s my second or third year here at BYU, but I don’t have a major [yet] because I’m going to transfer to the U next semester… I hope to go into set design. BYU is not really the safest place for me to be myself or to explore my life options so I’m gonna go somewhere else. I used to feel like I wasn’t sure if I was safe or not talking about my orientation--I wanted to come out a long time before I did. I came out in public on Facebook in April, but I told everyone a few months before that. So I spent a year here where I just tried to hide it completely. I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt unsafe but sometimes I felt uncomfortable because of things professors say or how students react to those things. I think it’s mostly religion professors who talk about gay people as this non-human other [that’s] trying to destroy the family and I’m sitting there like, “Hey, I’m right here…”

So that ma[kes] me a little uncomfortable, but I’ve never felt unsafe—which is good, I guess. There have been times since then where, I’ve never felt physically unsafe, but the two big things are the policy change and the election, and those have definitely heightened my discomfort and feeling of emotional unsafe-ness because everyone talks about this dissonance when you are gay and Mormon. I feel like BYU is kind of like that because this generation is more accepting and wants to be supportive, but they don’t exactly know how. Then something like the policy change or the election happens and it seems to tip the scale away from the LGBT community. 

I had a friend who sat beside someone in a class and they really hit it off and started a great conversation. Another peer came in and sat down the two students found out they were both Trump supporters and [initiated] a pretty serious conversation, and it left my friend [feeling left] out because she didn’t know if she could or should continue the conversation and it just cut off the line of communication... 

I feel like a lot of people make sincere efforts to include LGBT people and, while they might not be perfect at it, as long as they will take advice to be more inclusive, it turns into a good environment. 

Realizing everyone has their own path and their own way of learning things is essential to creating a good environment and the path to learning is equally important for all people. Many LGBT people had an attitude of “he’ll grow out of it” when I was trying to balance my religious beliefs with my sexual orientation and I found that offensive. Likewise, people on the other side had equally dismissive attitudes about my journey. What is most important is that people learn their lessons and they learn them in the way they are intended to learn them. Discouragement hinders the learning experience. 

LOGAN

As a conservative business student at BYU, Logan shares how he feels students should foster more friendships and create more fusion between LGBT and straight students.

LGBT [students] should feel more open now that Trump is elected. I think that the vast majority of BYU students, even if they voted for him, don’t agree with Trump and his social opinions. I think Trump getting elected is more of a rallying cry to conservatives to say, ‘Yeah, we’re conservative, but we don’t agree with him.” Even though I’m conservative and not apart of the LGBT community, and in the past haven’t supported it, now that Trump has been elected, I feel more of a responsibility to be nurturing and caring and accepting because I understand that we need to show them that we are not like that, and that they are loved and accepted.”

If I [were] gay and I saw that the people around me were a lot less supportive of my values, I would be a lot less likely to be open. 

I didn’t vote for Trump, but I prefer Trump to Hilary… on the basis of small government, [fewer[ government-funded programs, and conservative values like the traditional family… then yeah, I support Trump in that aspect. Do I support his personal and actual plans on his opinions? No, that’s why I didn’t vote for him. 

I think that your political candidate should reflect what you hope would happen in society, but that didn’t happen this year, I don’t think, for Democrats or Republicans. I have a friend who’s a member of the LGBT community who voted for Trump. He’s openly gay and he voted for Trump because he knows that Trump stands for the very basics of what [my friend] believes in [about government.] Not that I’ve heard that Trump has every said anything specifically targeting the LGBT community. In fact, in his Republican National Convention speech, he said he would do whatever he could to protect them. So I don’t think he has anything against the LGBT community. You do see that more against Muslim, and what he says about them I totally disagree with as well.  I think that members of the LGBT community need to look more into what that person believes in personally, not necessarily who they voted for. 

I would love to see the LGBTQ community hold a meet-and-greet, or a panel, where I can get to know them. I have no hard feelings against them, and I would hope that they would have no hard feelings against me either, and that we would be friends. I do have friends that are part of this community. I would like to see for BYU, a coming-together event where we get to know each other. I know that the LGBTQ community is hidden at BYU— I would like it to be public. Maybe get the student body involved in an unofficial BYU event, where anyone who wants to could come and we can get together and talk. I’m here because I want to be your friend.

RANDALL

As a gay father trying to live an LDS lifestyle, Randall shares why he feels the LGBT community should not be afraid of Trump and why he wants to have more transparency at church about problems and differences-- the lack of which, he feels, creates fission within the community.

I didn’t know I was gay until I was thirty-two. My ex-wife approached me and said, “Look at what you do— you’re gay!” And she gave me some examples, and I was like, “Oh… maybe I am…” That kind of blew my mind. I grew up in the ’70’s  where the word “gay” was thrown around as a naughty word. So they called everybody gay— I didn’t even know what it meant at first. I grew up with this idea that, “I’m LDS. I’m supposed to marry women. I’m supposed to go on a mission.” And now that I know I’m gay, I can look back across my life and see that I dated women only to take a girl to prom. I wasn’t interested, really. Back then, though, I wouldn’t have been comfortable coming out. The people my age were so slanderous about gay people. But now, at work I work mostly with young people, people who just came home from or about to go on missions, and those people I have no problem coming out to. But my peers, it’s much harder to come out to. They don’t understand. It’s really weird to them. It’s harder to be accepted with my peers. 

My personal viewpoint is that I don’t want to get into a personal relationship with a guy. I believe in the LDS beliefs and that marriage is sacred between a man and a woman, and I don’t want to break that. I hold those values very strongly. That’s just who I am. I don’t want to date guys because it will lead to emotional stuff, and it will lead to me hurting them and myself because I can’t marry them. For me, I prayed and I felt like God said I could date guys, but not have eternal life with them. And that’s important to me. But I can’t judge others and their experiences, because I don’t know. 

I haven’t come out to anybody [in my mid-singles ward]. But if I came out, I think the people would be really accepting and fine with it. 

All my gay friends are freaking out, but I voted for Trump and I like Trump. I don’t see an issue. He’s from New York and he’s used to gay people being around. I don’t think he’s going to go into office and change all these laws. I think everyone in the gay community is safe. Honestly, my Republican friends, and everyone who did vote for Trump in my ward, and my parents— it’s not really an issue with them either. They’re not paying attention to that side of it. They’re paying more attention to changes he’s going to make in the government and society, trying to encourage job growth and lowering taxes and making sure the constitution is upheld. But none of that has anything to do with whether gays get married or not. I think that the way that it happened was wrong. I think that it should be a state issue. But I don’t think Trump is even going to have that on his radar. 

`My big beef is with the “Happy Valley” mentality of LDS Mormons and how they’re so judgmental. You go to church and everybody puts on their perfect outfits with their perfect life, and they have no problems and everything is wonderful. But when I get to know them, everyone has problems but they don’t want you to see their problems. And they don’t want to talk about their problems in church, even though church is where we should be talking about our problems and sharing our problems and getting support for our problems. My home bishop has done a really good job of trying to encourage that. There are certain people that are more open now that they’ve overcome they’re problems, but those amidst their problems are not talking about them. And that just makes me more afraid to come out, because of people being judgmental, and the lack of openness. I think that culture still pervades our macro-culture  here in Utah Valley, and that makes me sad because that’s not how we make friends and that’s not how we encourage people to go to church. I think that hurts the open dialogue of anything.

HARRISON

Harrison shares his unique perspective as a student living in the freshman dorms, and how he has observed fission-promoting behaviors within this even smaller BYU micro-community.

This is an issue that’s close to me. With my gay friends, it’s something you kind of have to keep under wraps here, which is really hard because sexuality is something so integral to who you are. Having to suppress that, or find people who are cool with that, is really hard. Especially recently, with the change in church policies and Trump. Now that he’s been elected, people now have a platform to say things that previously would have been offensive. I live on campus in Helaman Halls with a bunch of other guys, and I know people who support Trump. Amongst guys, they take it as a excuse to say things that aren’t PC. Some guys have flags and signs out and everything. 

I remember this vividly: I was walking to my room, and there were three guys talking about Trump. And one of them said, “I’m not sexist, I’m not racist, but I gotta stand up for what I believe in.” I just think that sounds kind of silly, but I think that’s the line of thinking. I don’t think these people think of themselves as being racist, or sexist, or homophobic. 

I think that Trump is just a way for people to express their frustration. He doesn’t really stand for anything— I mean, he is whoever you want him to be. I think it’s a lot of people reacting to PC culture. I don’t think PC culture is going away. I think Trump got elected because people are mad about it, that they used to be able to say certain things, or that certain views used to be acceptable. And they’re frustrated they can’t say those things anymore.

I feel like BYU has a way of being kind of closed-off. It’s not especially diverse. I think it has a way of, even though it’s already insular, becoming even more insular by the people it brings in to give lectures. My professors talk about these lectures on campus. I’ve been to some, and they generally are more conservative. I know that BYU isn’t an explicitly conservative school… but it tends to self-select and create a conservative atmosphere. It creates a sense that there’s this group and everyone has to think the same.  

MORGAN

Having a fear of cultural fission, Morgan discusses her experiences with LGBT family members and how they were able to achieve fusion-- something she hopes to inspire in the BYU community.

I have friends from high school who are gay and I have some family members who are gay so I also wanted to be reassured there are people at BYU who are supportive of the LGBT community because it’s kind of a gray area in the church.

There was an event outside the JFBS in which people from BYU Democrats or Students International had a pledge that people could sign to be kind to all racial minorities, religious minorities-- just to be kind to all people no matter what. People passed by wondering if it was an anti-Trump thing, and it might have been spurned by them because it was the day after the election. It wasn’t like we were trying to protest Trump, but people took it as being anti-Trump. People would still sign it because you can’t look at the pledge and not sign it. I just feel like there is a divide between [Hillary supporters and Trump supporters] and I feel like it would have been very hard to be a part of the LGBT community at BYU during the election because Utah voted 50% for Trump.

[Some] people use slang terms like gay meaning dumb. I feel like people should be more sensitive about those things like how people threw around the word retard-- just be self-aware. There are people who are dealing with things around you, so don't make derogatory jokes-- not just about gays but about anyone. It’s a little easier for me since I have grown up with people that I knew who were gay, but [regardless of whether or not you did], everyone should remember that everyone needs to feel love and accepted. That’s like number one in the hierarchy of needs: to feel connected to others. Just in day-to-day living, never be derogatory of other people. Love them so they feel they can trust you.

CONCLUSION

Though each of the remarkable individuals we talked with had very different backgrounds and points of view, each wanted more unifying resolutions. We feel that as we continue to open up this conversation we will be able to find the most effective solutions to ignite a fusion reaction within the BYU macro-community so that all will be able to find love and acceptance regardless of viewpoint or orientation. 

Morgan Reber and Russell Hitchcock

Cited:

Fission vs. Fusion – What's the Difference?
Duke Energy - https://nuclear.duke-energy.com/2013/01/30/fission-vs-fusion-whats-the-difference

Imagination and Fancy: How Stress is Making You a Bad Voter

Few topics summon emotions more heated than the 2016 American Presidential Elections because few presidential candidates have been more controversial and despised by the public than Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. We seem to have turned around a dark corner in our history, passing into unfamiliar territory in which we are electing our commander-in-chief based on the mantra, “Which is the lesser of two evils?” We have somehow chosen two of the most outrageous candidates in the election and pitted them against each other in a furious, mud-slinging battle of, “I know you are, but what am I?” However, America’s decision to nominate these two specific individuals can actually be philosophically and psychologically explained.

When examining the role that Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s Primary and Secondary Imaginations play in the assimilation of information and the creation of perception, and the result of the brain chemically changing under stress, it really is little wonder that the two most hysteria-inducing presidential candidates were chosen as their parties’ nominees.

First, let us examine Coleridge’s Primary and Secondary Imagination.

“The primary IMAGINATION I hold to be the living Power and prime Agent of all human Perception, and as a repetition in the finite mind of the eternal act of creation in the infinite I AM. The secondary I consider as an echo of the former, co-existing with the conscious will, yet still as identical with the mode of its operation. It dissolves, diffuses, dissipates, in order to re-create…” (585-586)

In other words, Coleridge asserted that the mind does not just reflect the information being presented, but rather creates and gives meaning to experiences. The Primary Imagination gives us the capability to remember and picture what we have experienced: for example, a streaming of the presidential debates, or a YouTube video of the latest political scandal. The Primary Imagination would allow us to recall the experience.

The Secondary Imagination, on the other hand, helps us to create the world around us as we perceive it. It’s what helps us to synthesize individual or discordant pieces to form a whole; it finds the commonality or relativity, and then the meaning of the resulting figure. “Reason can only enumerate, divide and analyze. It is confined to the realm of what is already known, or perceived, or experienced, while imagination is the agent of innovation, novelty, originality and genius, in it the capacity to unite into new wholes previously unrelated elements.” (Wheeler 1989, p. 99). Imagination is “the senses, emotions, intuition, intellect, will—all human powers brought into harmonious action.” (Sherwood 1975, p. 26)

It is the Secondary Imagination that helps us to read about a candidate’s platform, learn of their public and private life, watch them in the debates, and create an intelligent opinion based on these facts. The Secondary Imagination is necessary for a strong political standpoint and good decision-making in general.

The problem is that the imagination is a part of the brain that is impaired by a chemical called cortisol—a chemical that is secreted when an individual experiences stress. In 2011, European Neuropsychopharmacology published a study in which the cortisol-levels of voters were measured before voting, and then connections were made between voters with high levels of cortisol and their voting patterns:

“…human experiments indicate that when cortisol was administered to participants prior to viewing arousing pictures (independent of their valance) and neutral ones, the former were remembered better than the latter (Kuhlmann and Wolf, 2006)…”

So we are more likely to have an impression made on us and remember the most emotionally-arousing candidates when our stress-levels are high. The study goes on to state that when cortisol was administered to human participants of the experiment, memory retrieval was impaired, even in recalling events that had occurred only the day before. This, however, is not the most dangerous side-effect.

“Cortisol administration also increases reward-seeking and risk-taking behavior, likely due to the increase in dopaminergic activity (Marinelli et al., 1998 and Putman et al., 2010). Similarly, stress-induced cortisol has significant effects on cognition. Acute stress disrupts decision-making (Keinan et al., 1987, Preston et al., 2007 and Porcelli and Delgado, 2009), making those with higher levels of cortisol more sensitive to immediate rewards than those with lower levels (Piazza et al., 1993, Adam and Epel, 2007 and Newman et al., 2007). The former are also more prone to making snap decisions, indicative of a loss of top-down control (Keinan et al., 1987 and Porcelli and Delgado, 2009). Cortisol administered individuals are much more risk seeking when the probability of losing and winning is high, a pattern that reflects the combined effect of reduced sensitivity to cues of punishment and increased sensitivity to reward (Putman et al., 2010).” (2011)

So are we just over-stressed as a nation? The answer is yes. The American Psychological Association actually released a document titled “Stress in America: U.S. Presidential Election 2016” which featured numbers reporting that the stress-levels of members of both parties are significantly higher than normal this election. (2016)

Expanding our view to the world stage, it has been a very stressful last couple of years for the entire globe. Issues such as ISIS, the refugee crisis, the war in Ukraine, Syria, the events leading up to the Black Lives Matter movement, and various other shootings of sexual and racial minorities, just to name a few, have really taken a toll on American voters. Our heightened cortisol-levels are leading us, in our state of impaired-imagination, to be drawn to the more extreme, attention-grabbing candidates, to forget certain key factors or traits of the candidates, and to take risks.

If the Primary Imagination and Secondary Imagination lead us to comprehend parts and create a whole, to make calculated decisions and be able to project future probability, then what part of the mind are we using to select our presidential candidates? Coleridge would answer that we are employing Fancy.

He states that “Fancy… has no other counters to play with, but fixities and definites. The Fancy is indeed no other than a mode of Memory emancipated from the order of time and space; and blended with, and modified by that empirical phenomenon of the will, which we express by the word CHOICE. But equally with the ordinary memory it must receive all its materials ready made from the law of association.” (586)

Fancy is taking ready-made chunks of experience and sticking them together to form a sort of mutant experience. It would be the equivalent of watching various programs on Fox News or CBS, taking the pre-digested, pre-prepped feed of views and smacking them together to create a Frankenstein’s monster of an opinion. There is no merging or assimilation of data, there is no creation of meaning—there is only an acceptance and accumulation of the stories promulgated by one’s already chosen source of information.

This is, of course, not new in the sphere of American politics. We choose our camps and then we stick with them. The problem is when, out of fear and stress, we take risks we are unable and unwilling to calculate. I would argue that the reason why this particular election is causing Americans such a great amount of stress is because the candidates are, in fact, purposefully fear-pandering. As their campaigns play to our anxieties and our suspicions (of terrorism, of leaked emails, of secret deals, of sex abuse scandals, etc.), predicting doomsday-like endings should the opponent win the presidency, our cortisol-levels continue to rise until we find ourselves on the threshold of a national panic attack. One only needs to turn on the TV to see the bloody smear campaign the left-wing media is waging on Trump, or watch footage of a Trump rally in which supporters are whipped into a violent, animalistic frenzy, to realize that both candidates are using the same sadistic tactic. They’re aiming to gun down the Secondary Imagination.

Though Coleridge, as a Romantic and a Transcendentalist, would argue that it is us who hold ultimate control over our minds, I would attest that the mental Imagination resides within the physical brain. Just as it is true that a student, having slept for eight hours, is more likely to write a cohesive and creative essay than another who slept for only two, we are only able to mentally process as much as the confines of the physical brain allow us.

So, if outside influences have the ability to affect us mentally, what is to be done? Must we give way to the Trumps and Hillarys who stroke our ever-mounting panic in an almost dystopian-like maneuver to shut down our minds for the sake of their power? Though we may not be able to shut out the barrage of distressing messages flung at us on the daily, Coleridge’s Secondary Imagination does grant us the ability to decide how we listen. Once those cortisol-levels rise, our brain is affected and our faculties are already impaired.

However, if we choose to be selective, if we choose to be wary of sensationalism, if we choose hope over fear, and balance over extremism, we will be able to maintain a cool head and a clear mind and a working Secondary Imagination. It is the scared animal inside of us that can be shut down, but it is the wise and autonomous human being that does not find pleasure in being frightened into employing Fancy and swallowing pre-chewed chunks of information. He recognizes the tell-tale signs of stress, steps back, takes a breath, and uses his Secondary Imagination to find a creative solution. So the next time you scour the internet, feeding on the horde of fear-mongering Facebook posts, do your cortisol-levels a favor and stop. Your country will thank you for it.  

     

“APA Survey Reveals 2016 Presidential Election Source of Significant Stress for More Than Half of Americans,” 13 Oct. 2016. www.apa.org.  Washington D.C. Retrieved 27 Oct. 2016

Coleridge, Samuel “From Biographia Literaria,” The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism. Leitch, Vincent, ed. 2^nd ed. W. W. Norton and Co. New York. 2010.

Hope, Jensen Schau (2000) "Consumer Imagination, Identity and Self-Expression", in NA - Advances in Consumer Research, Volume 27, eds. Stephen J. Hoch and Robert J. Meyer, Provo, UT: Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 50-56.

Sherwood, Margaret (1937), Coleridge’s Imaginative Conception of the Imagination, Wellesley, Mass: Wellesley Press.

Waismel-Manor, Israel et al. (2011) “When Endocrinology and Democracy Collide: Emotions, Cortisol and Voting at National Elections”

European Neuropsychopharmacology, Volume 21, Issue 11, 789 – 795

Peanut Butter, Lemon Poppyseed, and Raisin Pecan Vegan, GF, and Sugar-free Cookies

It's been quite a little while since I've posted a recipe, so I figured it was high time I whipped up a little treat that my vegan, my gluten-free, and my sugar-free friends can all enjoy! Many moons ago, I posted about your basic oat cookie. Consider this the Oat Cookie 2.0! The new-and-improved edition! The rare sequel that was better than the original! Well... you get the picture.

These cookies are kid- and mommy-approved! (And let me tell you, those are two groups that are not easy to please...) But as far as sweet-teeth and health-nazis are concerned, these cookies (while maybe not exactly what you want to serve at a birthday party) are perfect for breakfast, post-workout re-charge, and a good ol' snack for anytime.

What You'll Need:

Base for all cookies:
Quick Oats
Stevia or honey
2 bananas
Cinnamon

For the Peanut Butter Cookies:
2-3 spoonfuls of sugar-free peanut butter

For the Lemon Poppyseed Cookies:
1smaaaaalll lemon, or 1/2 regular-sized; juice and zest
1 tsp. Almond extract
Poppyseeds

For the Raisin Pecan Cookies:
Sugar-free raisins
Pecans


Once you mash the bananas, using a fork, stir in enough quick oats so that you form a thick, dough-y base. You shouldn't see any banana chunks. Stir in a dash of cinnamon, and as much stevia or honey as you desire. Divide the mixture into three equal parts for the three different cookie flavors, stir in the add-ins, add a sprinkling of lemon zest and poppyseeds on top of the Lemon and Poppyseed Cookies, and pop in a 375 degree, pre-heated oven for about 15 minutes or until the edges are browned, and Voila! Feel free to dip in almond milk.

The Giver of Good Gifts

If there's one thing I've learned about the personality of our Heavenly Father, it is that He is incredibly giving. Merciful? Most definitely. Wise? The wisest. These are most definitely attributes of godhood. Heavenly Father is all of these things and more. In His role as a divine parent, He is also a giver of gifts. We read in Matthew 7:9-11: "What man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"

I have been reflecting lately on the many extraordinary and sometimes overlooked gifts our Heavenly Father gives to us. Of course, we are grateful for the gift of life, of families, of education, of the gospel, and of the Atonement. These gifts are everything. Several weeks ago I was attending the Provo temple by myself, trying to regain that special and beautiful spirit I felt had dwindled a bit while the temple was closed for the previous two weeks. Before those two weeks, I felt as if I had been trekking a spiritual mountain and was making good time. I was doing everything I was supposed to and attended the temple as often as I could, which sometimes meant a couple times a week. After the temple was closed, though, I felt like I was cramping as I tried to match my same pace. Part of that struggle was keeping that fire and excitement about serving a mission alive.

I sat in one of the pews, waiting to do baptisms, trying to focus on the scriptures I was reading. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the girl sitting next to me was smiling and trying to catch my eye. Though I'm still not completely in the practice of striking up conversations with strangers, I felt one of those so-subtle-it-barely-registers maybe-I-should-talk-to-her feelings and so I said hello and we talked a little bit about who we were and our majors and laughed about how we were the only 20+ people doing baptisms in a sea of youth.

As the conversation petered out, I suddenly felt a hey-maybe-this-is-a-prompting-but-maybe-not feeling that I should share the story of my decision to serve a mission with her. I crossed my fingers that she wouldn't think I was a windbag as I randomly began talking about how I had to rely on promptings and faith instead of logic and plans in my decision to serve a mission, about how I really just had to let go of my own ideas about my life and trust that the Lord will show me the way one step at a time and how that has brought me so much peace. She nodded politely as I talked and I thought to myself, "Well, crap-- I must have read that wrong."

We both ended up just talking about how much we love the temple and feel so much peace when we are there. She said, "I just love the temple so much. I feel like every time I come, I am uplifted and talk with someone who says exactly what I needed to hear... I've actually been struggling with my desire to have my own plans work out in my education in the nursing school. I really appreciated hearing your story about having enough faith in the Lord to let go and let Him lead you."

As I walked home from the temple, the sky fading to pink as the sun began to set, I felt dumbfounded. And overwhelmed. And incredibly, incredibly grateful to Heavenly Father for that sweet, special, perfect gift He had just given me-- the gift of confidence in myself to listen to promptings. I was worried about my ability to always be a vessel for the Holy Ghost as a missionary and Heavenly Father knew that. In His infinite wisdom and goodness, instead of just making me feel good again He gave me the gift of an opportunity to grow. He helped me to know that even after a rough week (or two, or more) with His help I can get back to where I was spiritually, regain my footing, and once again be able to hear and respond to even the subtlest of promptings. He wanted me to know that I don't have to be perfect 100% of the time to be a good missionary, that I don't have to feel downhearted when I mess up or have a difficult time feeling the spirit as strongly. This might seem like just the littlest thing but it was an incredible testament to the infinite kindness of our Heavenly Father. He is so incredibly kind. He is a giver of good gifts. What gifts has Heavenly Father given you today?

The Gays of BYU: Part Two

I've learned two very important things that must be considered when addressing homosexuality from an LDS perspective: 1) We cannot fully comprehend the mind of our Heavenly Father, therefore we must exercise faith. 2) We are each incredibly precious and beloved of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

When my co-writer, Jason, and I did our first interviews after attending a USGA (Understanding Same-Gender Attraction) meeting, we were honestly at a loss of how to communicate some of the simple facts and stories we heard in an article for the BYU magazine, Insight. We were given accounts of blatant bullying, prejudice, and alienation-- all instances that occurred here at BYU. Though many do open their arms and their hearts to their brothers and sisters who struggle with same-gender attraction, many do not. Too many people at BYU, people who have taken a covenant to "stand as a witness of Christ at all times, and in all things, and in all places" have either decided to ignore the situation or let themselves be instruments of unkindness, intolerance, fear, and ignorance.

When we examine the life of Christ, we see that He loved and ministered to all men-- lepers, outcasts, sinners-- everyone. His love does not extend to most all but stop at those whose struggles were foreign to him. His heart, His love, His grace, His Atonement knows no boundaries. It is available in endless quantities to all. Sometimes we assume that we are disciples of Christ just because we go to Church, say our prayers, read our scriptures, do our callings, and pay our tithing. These are all things we must do to be true disciples of Christ, but I believe that we must dedicate the entirety of our hearts to walking His path, feeding his sheep, and ministering to His flock before we can feel satisfied in our work. We must love and serve, following Christ's example, but with the knowledge that judgement belongs to Him.

Heavenly Father's beautiful Plan of Salvation defines marriage to be between a man and a woman. Our prophets have that declared acting on homosexual feelings is sinful. Obediently holding to these teachings does not make one a bigot. Merriam Webster defines a bigot as "a person who strongly and unfairly dislikes other people, ideas, etc... a person who hates or refuses to accept members of a particular group (such as a racial or religious group.)" Neither the teachings nor the life of Christ resemble this in the slightest. Our Savior openly and adamantly preaches against engaging in this type of behavior and having these feelings towards others.

The majority of the members of USGA are faithful Church members who promote BYU's Honor Code and work to maintain the law of chastity. They believe that, even though they do not fully understand why they are attracted to people of the same sex, if they continue faithfully, Heavenly Father will bless them in following His plan for them. Some have said that they believe they were born this way to teach them humility and charity. Some have said that they believe that this attraction is apart of their eternal identity. Others interpret Christ's teachings on a more personal level and decide different courses of action for themselves. There are some who attend USGA who have fallen away from the Church, either temporarily or permanently, and who attempt to figure out their lives alone. Regardless of where these brothers and sisters are in their testimonies, each deserves love. Love uplifts, gives strength, bears testimony, ministers, and teaches. We are commanded to love all, whether or not we understand them.

It was a struggle finding the perfect balance for our article, but we were finally able to write a concise, pointed piece that we hope will stimulate a wider-reaching conversation on campus concerning this issue and help people understand the role they play in creating an environment where the spirit of love can flourish.

You can find a link to the online Insight article, "A Candid Conversation," here.  For more information regarding the LDS perspective on homosexuality, visit mormonsandgays.org.

The Gays of BYU: Part One

Mormons Building Bridges march in Pride Parade Salt Lake City 2013

I recently read a Princeton Review article that called BYU 6th least-friendly campus towards homosexuals in the nation. (Since the actual article is unavailable to people without an account with the Review, the list can also be found here.) The poll was taken from a nation-wide, anonymous survey. While this ranking may not be shocking to some, it was shocking to me. As a student of BYU, I have always been under the assumption that our school (like our religion) was built on pillars of love, forgiveness, and Christ-like charity that extends to all, regardless of beliefs. From all of the material I've read about the LDS Church's stance on homosexuality, I was also under the assumption that we believe there is no sin in the actual orientation (tendency, predisposition-- whatever you want to call it) itself. I felt like there was a marked difference between the people and the practice, and that anyone who abides by the Honor Code is a welcome and valid student at BYU. So why were we ranked as being so extremely unfriendly towards our fellow students who identify themselves as gay?

My fellow Insight Magazine writer, Jason, and I felt like this title must be false and undeserved and we were determined to discover the truth. As we interviewed openly gay students in USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction-- the unofficial BYU club for LGB students), we realized the story was much bigger than we had previously imagined. Since the article that will be published on Insight's website will likely only be able to cover a small portion of the story (and only from a particular angle), I want to share as much of the story and our journey to find the truth as I can on this blog. We know that the subject of homosexuality and the LDS religion is a sensitive one, and we are grateful for the respect shown by all who have participated in the making of this article so far and ask the same respect of any who choose to carry on the conversation and comment on the subsequent installments. We also want to state that our only aim is truth and understanding and that there is no political agenda in this article. Stay tuned for part one!

Miles to Go Before I Sleep

Tonight, my family made the four hour trek from Dallas back home to Oklahoma. We generally do our best to stay away from road trips (two parents, five kids, and a dog all squished into a suburban isn't always the most relaxing situation), but we made an exception to attend the annual Christmas party with the extended family down south. Everyone but myself and the driver had fallen asleep,  the backseat a tangled mess of heads on laps, legs in the air, with a snoozing dog inexplicably woven through. My face was pressed up against the cold, foggy glass, and I gazed out the window as the black silhouettes of trees against a sky of deepest blue, peppered with stars, fell into the distance behind us. The lines from one of Frost's poems ran through my head over and over, stuck like a broken record: The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Though the Christmas party was the official excuse for our visit, the real reason was my great-grandmother (known affectionately to her family as "Nanny"). Her health had taken a sharp, downward spiral and, with more than a handful of scares under her belt, we felt she deserved the company of all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren this Christmas. We all went to drink her in, the "just in case" sitting silently on our tongues.

Nanny is a very tiny woman with thin lips, straight white hair with sharp, Dutch-boy bangs, and clear hazel eyes that glow from behind her glasses. She likes things "just so." After tipping my hat to the cousins, I clung to her side like ivy for the duration of the party. I held her heavy oxygen tank, awkwardly attempting to not step on her heels as she walked from the living room to the kitchen and back again. I explained the concept of a "white elephant" to her and tried to keep her from getting a bum deal from the crafty relatives.

She has never really been one for stories, but that night she told me about how, as a young mother in the fifties, she saw an African American woman walking home from the grocery store carrying big bags of food. Nanny pulled over and offered her a ride, but the woman shook her head and said that her parents taught her to never get in the car with a white person. Not to be deterred, Nanny offered to at least drive the woman's groceries back to her house and leave them on the porch for her so that she wouldn't have to carry them home. Every week after that, Nanny would drive the woman's groceries home for her.

I laughed maybe a little too hard at the comments she made about her two husbands ("Frank had hair covering his whole body, but Mack had hardly any at all. And that wasn't the only difference, if you know what I mean..." And then she graced us with a ladylike wink.)

As we said goodbye before my family squeezed ourselves back into the suburban, Nanny clutched my hand and said, "Think of me when you get married someday." She caught herself and quickly said, tightening her grip on my hand, "Or maybe I'll just stick around to see it myself. How about that?"

I've never really understood the poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" before. Now I think I do. As I looked out at the dark forest through the frosty window, I imagined my Nanny walking between the trees, unhindered by her oxygen tank or her walker. Maybe she was carrying someone else's groceries. I wondered to whom she had promises to keep. To past husbands? To dead mothers ("It's so nice you have a mom you can talk to. I was always able to talk to mine. I wish I could now.")? To me? Her image faded in the yellow light of an approaching town, street lamps, a boarded-up bar called The Watering Hole, gas stations, trees, forest, blackness...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

The Personal Story of One Girl's Addiction to Pornography

I have a dear friend who has struggled with a pornography addiction for seven years and who bravely agreed to let me interview her as a way to reach out and help others (both women and men) who may be struggling with a pornography addiction, as well as give insight to those who may know someone who has an addiction. She is an active member of the church and a student at Brigham Young University. This interview is for an article that will be published next year in a much-edited form, but I wanted her sincere, unabridged voice to be heard the way that I heard it. Speaking with her has touched me and has changed my perspective on sin and the Atonement, as well as having changed my life. 

(Her name has been omitted to keep her identity anonymous. "A" merely stands for "Answer.")

M: How did this all start? When did you realize that you had an addiction?

A: The first encounter I had was the summer after seventh grade. It was just on YouTube. It wasn’t super explicit or anything, but it was the first time that curiosity was aroused. Like addictions always do, it just kind of escalated. I guess I admitted I had a problem to myself in 9^th grade. The first person I told was my older brother at the end of 9^th grade. It wasn’t until a few months later that I told my mom and she encouraged me to see my bishop. I saw my bishop when I was sixteen. Then I worked with him, and then we got a new bishop, and I kept working with new bishops and leaders and told more and more people. Then, when I was 18 I went to college. When I got here, that’s when I found out about the addiction recovery group and started going to those meetings.

M: What was your family’s response?

A: They were incredible. My brother was the first person I told. He just sat me down and put his arm around me and kept telling me that it was okay. He told me anything he knew that he thought would help me. He told me he wouldn’t tell anyone until I was ready. When I told my mom, I remember, it was after a young women’s activity. I was really active in young women’s. Everyone got along with me, everyone was my friend and it came really naturally to me. But I always felt really guilty, like a fat liar all the time. Leaders would always tell me how great I was. But I was like, “You don’t even know who I really am.” Everything they said was invalid because of a secret I kept. 

I got home from mutual one night. I was sitting in the kitchen, and my mom was just cleaning dishes.  I just said, “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.” And after I told her, she just said, “That makes so much sense.” It was because I had this aversion to being touched. She always asked me if someone had been molesting me, but I said no. She said, “That makes so much sense that you would feel so… you don’t want to be violated, you don’t like being touched.” She sat me down on the couch and straight-out asked me questions, because our computer is in the family room. She said, “Aren’t you afraid that people will come in?” And I said, “Yeah, but I did it anyway.” After that, she put locks on the computer. She started checking up on me.  But she always asked me, “Do you think this will help you?” She never acted like disgusted or shocked or anything. I didn’t understand that other people’s reactions would be different. I think my mom kind of understands because she was a convert to the church as a teenager, so she’s more realistic when it comes to things in the world. 

While I was in the middle of telling her about my shame, my young women’s leader called me right at that moment. She just called to tell me how awesome she thought I was. She said she knew I wasn’t perfect, but she just really loved me and thought I was amazing. When I hung up the phone, my mom was like, “That was God speaking to you and telling you what He sees in you.” She never negated any other good thing I was doing, even though that was my natural instinct—to feel that any good thing I could do was counteracted by the bad things I did. She encouraged me to see my bishop even though I didn’t want to at all.  You technically don’t have to see your bishop, but I would definitely recommend it. She never pushed me, though. 

I decided to see my bishop. It was hard because he had been my bishop since I was eight. He was there when I got baptized. It was really hard, but it was good. He said it was a really common problem in the church, even for women. That was the first time it occurred to me that it wasn’t normal for a woman to have this problem. He said, “even women”. He kind of said it in a way that seemed like it was a man’s problem but women can sometimes have it, too. Then I realized I had never had a young women’s lesson on it. There was a lesson on media, talking about how you shouldn’t watch bad media. I remember feeling really guilty. But I remember mostly feeling really guilty because they didn’t even mention it. I felt like, “Oh, my gosh, they don’t even feel like they need to mention it.” I guess it’s just not a thing on most women’s radars… except for me. My bishop gave me an assignment of a few scriptures to read. I read all of them, and I came back and I remember he was so shocked at the work I had put into it. He said, “I’ve never seen someone work so hard.” And I said, “I really, really, really want to be over this.” 

I thought that would be it. I just kind of assumed it would go away. But it didn’t. It was really frustrating to me that I had repented so many times, since I was thirteen and I realized what I was doing was wrong, I would pray and repent and read my scriptures—I read my scriptures every single day to try to compensate, because I read that if you read your scriptures you’ll be able to overcome temptation, so I read the whole Book of Mormon when I was thirteen. I read it every single day for six months, and I was convinced that if I would do that I would be able to get over it. But I didn’t. And I felt betrayed that it didn’t work. Satan made me feel like I wouldn’t ever get over it, and that it wasn’t going to work because it wasn’t working right now. But I definitely think that, because said my prayers all the time, read my scriptures, wrote in my journal everyday—I did everything I could do to make up for what I was doing. I definitely think that it helped me. It helped me gain a testimony, like doing those things always will. It also helped prevent me from doing other, worse things I could have done, which I’m grateful for. Even though I have this addiction, I still have a testimony of the Church. If I hadn’t kept being obedient in the other areas, my addiction could have taken me off the deep end.

M: So you went above and beyond what is expected of young women as a way to try to compensate. Would you want to tell the other people who may be struggling with this that their addiction does not negate the good things that they’re doing?

A: For sure. That’s still something I’m working on every single day, something I have to tell myself over and over again. Some days there’s just a really strong... like Satan has a really good strategy. “You’ve already messed up today, so why read your scriptures? What do you think—that you’re going to be a good person because you read your scriptures?” I am a firm believer that there’s not some chalk board in heaven where they’re saying, “Good thing, bad thing, good thing…” It’s a way of life. Failure in one area of your life isn’t going to take away from all the good things that you’re doing.

M: I know we read and hear a lot about how a man’s addiction to pornography affects the women in his life and the way he sees them—because you are a woman, how do you think that affects you?

A: It’s definitely been hard. A lot of times in General Conference they’ll say this is a problem for men and women, but somehow our culture doesn’t catch up to that idea. It’s talked about all the time in priesthood. Even culturally, not in the church, there’s this idea that women are not as much sexually driven, and that it’s women’s job to fight men off. You try to make sure that you’re not a temptation for men. 

M: I was recently watching a TED talk about the difference between guilt and shame—guilt is “I did a bad thing”, shame is “I am a bad person", and I think in a religion that emphasizes good works it can be hard to differentiate between the two, which sometimes makes it hard for us to truly accept the Atonement. It’s difficult for us to realize that God’s love never wavers and our divine nature never changes.

A: The difference between guilt and shame, I think, is a huge thing. I remember one experience I had. It was my sophomore year in college. I remember I messed up again for the millionth time, and I was so frustrated with myself. I was praying, but I was yelling at anything that would listen, “Heavenly Father, how can you forgive me? I keep doing it, then I keep apologizing, but I keep doing it and then apologizing. Why do you keep buying it? I’m not even buying it anymore!” 

But then I got this overwhelming impression saying, “Stop pretending you understand how much I love you or how I can forgive you, because you never will be able to. Just trust that I can. That’s all you need to know.” 

It just hit me that we try to project our own understanding on God. We think that because we keep messing up He should stop trusting us, but that’s not how God sees it. He sees our potential and our desires. He sees everything about us, things we don’t even know about ourselves yet. So obviously, he has a different perspective on our mistakes than we do, because He’s God. We need to stop projecting our human, our tiny, tiny perspectives on Him. I feel like when we look around at the world for understanding, it often doesn’t come. That’s been really hard for me since coming to school. I go to one addiction recovery meeting a week because there’s only one I’m allowed to go to. It’s a men and women, general addiction, drugs and alcohol, eating disorders, everything like that. And it’s awesome! I love it! But it gets hard being with the people there who have normal meetings specifically for their addiction. 

I’ve called the administrative offices for addiction recovery and asked, “Are there any meetings for women?” And they say, “Yes, we have meetings for women—women who are affected by their husbands’ addictions.” But I say, “No… do you have any for women who have addictions?” And they say, “Yes, but they’re in Springville or Draper, not here at BYU. Sorry!” 

I went ahead and went to a women’s meeting, but it was all about helping women whose husbands keep messing up all the time, that they should be patient with them, don’t take it personally.  It helped a little, because I thought, “I should be patient with myself.” It didn’t help very much, though, because it was this attitude of “boys will be boys.” There’s just this idea that a woman having this problem would be appalling. Every time I go to a meeting, it’s the same: “I have an eating disorder.” Or maybe it’s self-harm, because that’s what college girls struggle with. College boys struggle with pornography addictions. They have a men’s pornography addiction meeting literally every day of the week, two, three, four times a day. And I can’t go because it says, “Men only.” It’s just so frustrating to me because I feel like for guys it’s like, “It happens a lot. Just repent.” But I know that there are girls out there who struggle with this addiction! 

You wouldn’t guess by looking at me that I have an addiction. I was on the seminary council, I went to church and mutual and the temple every week. I read my scriptures and say my prayers every day. You look at me and you think, “She has it all together.” Every time I tell people, they’re completely shocked. I know that there are other people like me that exist. I know that they’re there. It just makes me sad that they can’t come forward. I had to claw my way out to find help, I had to force people to help me. I have the kind of personality where I can do that, but some people can’t. Some people don’t have parents or a support group like I do, who will help them to not have that shame. So they’ll stay in that little shell. I went through personal counseling with a sex addiction counselor. I went online and I found an online women’s support group. For people who don’t have help like that, I honestly don’t know how they deal with the shame. Things my counselor has told me are, “Don’t be ashamed, because shame is not productive. Shame only makes addictions worse because it leads to despair, not hope.”

But about what you said before, I remember my sophomore year I had a breakdown. I was curled up in the fetal position on my couch, just crippled by my shame and despair. Not only had I been struggling with this since I was thirteen. I’d been repenting since it started. I had been seeing bishops since I was thirteen. I felt like I had been exercising faith throughout the whole thing. But my roommates came in and I didn’t want to tell them what I was going through because they weren’t the type of people who would understand. One of the girls was just so good at life and it’s so hard for her to understand weakness. She has a very “just do it” personality. The other one was kind of judgmental, someone who would look at another girl and say, “Her skirt is so short.” I didn’t feel like I could tell them, but I had an impression that I should probably tell them what was going on. After telling them, I said, “I know I’m disgusting. I know you may not want to be around me anymore.” 

My judgmental roommate said, “No, I don’t feel any differently about you.” I retorted, “I’ve heard you say that you think porn addicts are disgusting, and that you don’t want to be around them. Now you’re telling me you don’t feel any differently about me—you’re lying.” She said, “It’s different when you know them.” I said, “It shouldn’t be, because that’s who I am.” 

It’s hard because people say things like, “Porn addicts are so gross, they’re so disgusting. If I’m around them, they’re probably looking at me all weird.” They don’t understand that they are talking about people. That those people exist. That they have other things about them. I mean, yeah… I do think about sex a lot. I try not to. It’s really hard. That’s a big reason why I do have a testimony of modesty. I know how hard it is. I don’t think it’s our responsibility to dress modestly just so others won’t have bad thoughts, but, you know, whatever we can do to help each other out—that’s good. I like it when people do the same for me.

Different people’s addictions stem from different things, there’s different things about it. It’s been a long journey for me to remember that people, if they knew, they wouldn’t say things like that. It’s so hard. Satan tells you, “If people say that they love you, they’re lying to you. You’ve heard your friends say that they would never marry a porn addict. You’ve heard guys say that they want a girl who is virtuous, whose price is above rubies. And you’re not.” But that’s not how God sees it.

 M: I think this will be a good thing for people to realize, that the people they’re talking about—if they knew those people they wouldn’t feel that way. I think one thing people may not be able to understand about people who are addicted to pornography is why. For men, they like looking at naked women because it’s sexually stimulating. But for women—what is the why behind that?

A: Honestly, I don’t know. I ask myself why every single day. After a certain point, it’s not that you enjoy it—it’s that you’re crippled without it. At first, I was curious because I didn’t really know anything about sex. It was new. One thing leads to another. There are so many different things to explore. I’m just a curious person by nature. I like knowing things. I wanted to know what this was. They’ve done studies that show that pornography stimulates the same receptors in your brain that crack does. It stimulates the pleasure center in your brain. There are so many different kinds of pornography. Women are frequently addicted to romance novels because that caters to the more emotional side of things. There’s a spectrum of things that appeal to different wants and needs. It goes deeper and deeper down. I've viewed things that appealed to the side of me that likes hot guys. I've also viewed things that dealt with the desire for an emotional connection. But, at a certain point, it’s just addiction. You need something to stimulate that part of you, so you’ll just go to the next step, which makes you need it even more. Honestly, half the time, when I’m done… I’m disgusted. I can see why people would be disgusted, because it is disgusting. But you’re brain gets on that track of, “This is the only thing that will make me happy.” With drug addicts, too, after you’re done you feel horrible, you don’t even feel good. It’s just what your brain tells you you need. A lot of it isn’t even about what you’re seeing, it’s just what it evokes in your brain. Pornography has so many facets. It can get anyone on anything. There are so many ways to get you.

M: If you could give one last message for anyone who might be struggling with this or need a different perspective on this, what would that message be?

A: I have two messages—one for people who are struggling with it and one for people who want to know how to treat people who are struggling with it. 

 To people with addictions, I would say to remember that your addiction doesn’t define you. We know that God has a plan for our lives. I know that God plans for our mistakes. He knows you so well and He knows what will make you the person you need to become. Your mistakes are part of that plan. Christ can take those mistakes and make them into something positive. He doesn’t just erase them—He takes them and uses them to make you into a stronger person. I wouldn’t trade my addiction for anything. Because of it, I know without a doubt in my mind that Christ lives and that He atoned for my sins and that repentance is real. Because of this, I know Christ. When I’m down on my knees, in the pit of despair, He’s the one that comes to me. Because of this, I’ve developed compassion. Because I’m still not over it, there’s still more things that it can teach me. I don’t know what they are, but I know that I’m a much stronger person than I ever would have been without it. Allow Christ to be there for you. Don’t confuse your mistakes with who you are.

To people who want to understand more about people with addictions: They all say, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” The Atonement covers all sins. Instead of focusing on sin, we need to focus on how great the Atonement is. Focusing on how bad sin is isn’t going to help anyone—it leads to despair, hopelessness, and isolation. The most important thing is to remember that the Atonement covers all sins. Luckily for us, we don’t have to deal with the darkness of sin if we choose to focus on the light of the Atonement.