Damsels in Denial

As LDS women, we are in a crisis… an identity crisis.

Too often in our race to the happily-ever-after finish line, we jump that chasm between Young Womanhood medallions and temple marriage without ever really examining its depth. Perhaps too much of our worth is derived from Facebook relationship statuses and ring fingers. As little girls, we are submerged in vibrant, melodious romps through fairytale kingdoms and magical forests, we are indoctrinated by plotlines with outcomes dependent upon a princely savior, and we are bludgeoned with piano lessons and casserole recipes for the deliberate purpose of transforming us into human dowries.

I hold romances partially responsible. Few women can resist the lure of being swept off their feet by a handsome hero, every trouble eliminated at the prospect of being valued by an individual other than oneself. Is it really such a surprise that some of the most poorly written texts ever to be published have somehow evolved into national bestsellers due to their seductively liberating and reality-averting material? Even in renowned, well-written literature with “independent” and “feisty” heroines such as Jane Eyre and Pride and Prejudice, the leading ladies are reduced to roles in which the resolutions to their own stories depend upon another character, namely the love interest.

Another culprit is the dark side of Mormon culture. Separate from the gospel, the stagnation that accompanies the locus of our population breeds social norms we feel obligated to comply to. We’ve breathed life into and given flesh to this idea of success and self-actualization through a young marriage after a rapid courtship, fueled by hormone-induced domestic yearnings and the narrow interpretation of a rather ambiguous and wide-ranging commandment: multiply and replenish the earth. How shameful that, in our haste to comply with the norm (to feel like good Mormons, of course) we lose sight of our potential within. There is not a cell in my body that believes our Heavenly Father would have blessed us with so many talents, prospects, capabilities, ideas, and interests if He did not intend for us to spend a significant amount of time exploring and developing them all.

Too often, we are told to get an education or some sort of basic training “just in case” we are, by some frightful, husband-disengaging circumstance, called upon to provide for our families. Can’t we see how damaging this kind of mentality is? Don’t we see how puny our subsistence must be if that is the only reason we would choose to educate ourselves? No, no, and no again! We deserve to be educated, not because we might end up old spinsters, not because we might need to someday provide for our families, and not even because we are women, but because we are human beings… and for that simple reason alone, we cannot justify an existence without it. We must learn for ourselves and through ourselves and to ourselves and by ourselves, and not for any other person. We must seek after all the education we can in order to become like our Heavenly Father.

That gap between life roles that so many young women are too eager to jump expands with education. It colors with exposure. It develops texture with experience. It deepens with wisdom and life lessons learned. How sad that so many girls blindly leap without daring to explore the jungle of possibilities beneath. Life is so very vast—we must not cheat ourselves out of a world rich with adventure because we are afraid of being alone.

Being alone is essential to knowing oneself and forming an identity. True personal identity is constructed totally independent of others; attempting to form your own identity around another human being is like trying to build a sand castle that partially resides on the back of a turtle. Being alone can be scary, though, and is often looked down upon in our society as being undesirable. It takes a lot of bravery to forge your own path, build your own future, and form your own identity independent of others. So many women in our church sidestep this refining process because it seems so much easier to be with someone else. The other person becomes the savior from the misty, vague lands of the unknown. In reality, the knight in shining armor does not save the damsel in distress from a fearsome dragon, but rather a damsel in denial from cutting her own path in a boundless and unfamiliar world. Yet, what a monarch is the woman who brings herself happiness with her own presence, her own choices, her own skin! We emphasize self-love, but we must also make ourselves into something we would love. To achieve the kind of self-respect that comes with contentment of only God’s and one’s own approval of self is a rare and priceless triumph! Let every human being seek for that level of satisfaction in their own value.

It must be understood that identities are not formed in relationships—identities are fused in relationships. Whatever is built between two people will be ripped apart if the relationship does not last. It is for this reason that women must realize how they jeopardize their sense of self when they seek to fill the holes within themselves with another person. Holes of hurt, doubt, fear, dissatisfaction, brokenness, and unhappiness can only truly be filled by the one who retains them… using another person as a band-aid may mask the pain for a short time, but in the long-term impedes any true healing from occurring. Too frequently do women use relationships with men as masks to disguise the sometimes painful tasks, problems, and questions that lurk internally.

I hope I have not misrepresented the divine roles of wifedom and motherhood in my promotion for identity and emotional independence. I believe that to be a wife and mother, and to belong to a family, are the greatest things one can do upon the earth and in the eternities. Yet, they must be entered into for the right reasons, and they are not the only great things we can and must do. We only have one life to live—why rush it?

Not as women, but as human beings, we must learn to forge our own identities that we can love and be proud of. We must cease to be in denial and face ourselves and our futures with bravery and hope. We must learn to heal our own wounds. We must learn to fix our own problems. We must learn to save ourselves. We must become the heroes of our own stories.